NEW YEAR’S EVE IS HERE and I have been doing a lot of reflecting, so here I am. What began as a quick Instagram post has become an extensive blog post, which is possibly more symbolic of this year than anything I could have imagined.
2018, eh? What. A. Year. This has been one of the most challenging years of my life, and it has forced me to grow and change in ways I couldn’t have predicted.
2017 saw me challenging many beliefs I held about myself, and ultimately living some of my best life. I optimistically thought 2018 would see me continuing to live my best life, and while in some ways it did, it also humbled me (ew did I just say that? But alas, I don’t know how else to say that…) and shook me to my core.
SO, here’s a fun little personal roundup of the year that felt like a decade. In 2018, I:
Started experimenting with ClassPass and tried everything from spin and hip hop to Iyengar Yoga and boxing.
Felt like I ran 500 marathons in the most difficult professional year of my life. I have learned so much, but I am also tired.
Made yoga and boxing weekly practices for a good chunk of the year - and LOVED.
Went on a mind-blowing two-week road trip with Max that brought us a lot of incredible memories and also set off a string of financial difficulties throughout the year.
Had a wealth of experiences: Kayla and Justin brought baby Nate into our lives, Canada Day weekend on Island Spirits, the Yayoi Kusama exhibit at the AGO, so many amazing meals with wonderful people, was asked to officiate Emma’s wedding and to be a bridesmaid in Lauren’s in 2019, the annual Fearless Heart Yoga retreat with my mom, two amazing family weddings, baseball, volleyball, Drunk Feminist Films, you name it, not to mention all of the personal and professional growth and accomplishment I have been honoured to witness in my loved ones.
Went on an incredible local road trip with my mom - a week I will cherish for years to come. My personal highlights were the Brockville tunnel, a surprising experience we took our sweet time dancing through, and wine and cheese at Lake on the Mountain overlooking Prince Edward County.
Had a challenging year in my romantic relationship that has ultimately made us stronger than ever, but has been a whirlwind neither of us expected at this point.
Started challenging many of my long-held beliefs about weight and food, and realized the role restriction had in my cycles of disordered eating. I have Christy Harrison’s Food Psych podcast to thank for kickstarting this.
Began working through these disorders rather than around them, and in the process gained a bunch of weight.
Oh hello! Just as soon as I thought I was the most comfortable in my body I could be, I was suddenly very uncomfortable again and having to revisit a lot of what I thought about myself.
Took a step back from moving my body as often over the last few months (in exhaustion from work, personal life, my new relationship with my body, and other overwhelming challenges), and proceeded to feel even more at odds with myself.
Started working with an incredible eating disorder counsellor, Annina Schmid. Have learned a LOT about myself and my disordered eating in the process, and am feeling ready to move my body again. Still have a lot to learn and a long way to go, but my binge eating has subsided substantially and I’m able to listen to a lot of my body cues for literally the first time in memory. That is huge.
Decided to face one of my biggest fears, and joined Katrina and Hannah’s winter camping trip. Threw out my back the week before and did it anyway (possibly a bad decision, but here we are). A 5k hike in turned into a 6-hour journey, we were wet for three days, I required and received so much help and grace from friends, my grandma passed away during the coldest night of my life, I threw up multiple times on the hike back out, but ultimately the experience was exhilarating. Blog post to follow, because if this wasn’t worthy of one I don’t know what is.
And now here we are! I have spent the last few days getting a lot of the space and recuperation I have desperately needed for months. I have also dedicated hours to cleaning our apartment, which has helped my headspace more than I had anticipated (did not help my back, but you can’t win ‘em all).
Looking forward at 2019, I know that a lot of change is coming, and even still there is only so much I can predict. What I do hope for myself, is that I can give myself the space to continue doing this work, to continue healing, to find joy in movement again, and to recharge regularly. I want to give myself the space to keep writing and reflecting. And I want to get a doggo to cherish and smother with unconditional love.
Instead of making resolutions and desperately obsessing over the things I’d like to change, I now see this time of year as a pause for reflection, and a time to make space in ourselves for the year to come. By now I can at least predict that next year will have moments of heartbreak and beauty, with belly laughs and sometimes sadness. At the end we will still be ourselves, but also someone entirely new.
With that, happy New Year! Let us see what 2019 brings.